My Life as a Twenty Something

So we all know I’ve been thinking he’s 100% perfect, and that still may be the case. However, issues are finally beginning to surface. Well, “issues” isn’t the right word. Just differences in opinion. The day started yesterday with me deciding that I would give him some time off…meaning that I wasn’t going to call him. But Kiff came over in the afternoon and wanted to harass him. So he called him and gave him a hard time about the whole “wig” thing. Which to me is still hilarious, although I can tell he’s tiring of it a bit. So then after that I was just trying to get my calendar corrected with all the crap I have to do here in the next couple of weeks and then I went to see “Wedding Crashers” with Beck so I figured if he needed me he could call, but I would be out of touch for at least a couple of hours. So he of course, like the perfect man he is, noticed I hadn’t been in touch for a little while and sent me a “what’s up babes” message while I was in the movie. So I wrote back telling him I was in the movie. He called like 5 minutes before the movie was over and I called him when I got in my car.

Sidenote: The movie was HILARIOUS! I’m definitely buying that one on DVD. I am starting to wonder how all the same guys end up in the same movies. It’s like a male click…and they somehow convince the directors and stuff to put them together. IN the past week I watched Old School with all those guys in it, Anchorman with all those guys in it, and now Wedding Crashers. But they’re funny as anything so it works.

So after I leave the movie, I’m headed to a poker game. I tell him about it and he tells me that he doesn’t like gambling or casinos. YES FRIENDS, he doesn’t like gambling or CASINOS! This had me kinda upset. What kind of man doesn’t like to gamble? Well okay, so that was my initial reaction. I told Kiff and the other people playing poker and they were also appalled. But then I looked around the poker table. Do I really want a man long term that is into gambling and casinos? No, definitely not. I like a risk taker, but some risks are unacceptable and I’m sure he can take risks in other places than with our money. But then of course the next question is what he thinks of my gambling. He’s so laid back, I don’t think he would EVER say anything about it, but I still wonder what he honestly thinks. However, I’m not much of a gambler. I like to go to the casino and watch more than anything else these days, and if I play, I’m starting with $100 and stopping once I’ve doubled my money. BUT…the point is, I like the casino, especially the Borgata because they have a spa and it’s just a fun thing to do every once in a while. And of course it’s something I could do without, and I’m sure a man who doesn’t like gambling is much more sensible long term, and probably adds to his perfection…but you know me and the bad boys.

And last night when I found this out, you would have thought it was the end of the world. That things were over. It’s like I want a reason to give up on this relationship which is the stupidest thing ever. He’s wonderful. Kiff and I were telling the guys at the table about him after I told them about the gambling thing, and we just listed off 15 things we both love about him. Then this morning I thought about it again. I thought about all the guys who were sitting around the poker table, and they’re all losers without good jobs and not a whole lot going for them. I wouldn’t want to date any of them, so I should be glad that Garv has his principles and isn’t into that. Basically I need to get the negativity out of my head. The most adorable thing is that if I send him a text message that says, “I miss you” he sends one back that says, “Miss you more.” That’s just plain adorable. He’s adorable. And I’m really excited for him to visit here in September.

Speaking of his visit…the last day he’s here is Labor Day. I really want to have a party with my friends and Beck’s friends that weekend. But if we do it on Friday night then I either have to take all sorts of time to clean up the mess, or live with it for the weekend. Which I’m really not good at doing, it would really bother me. So the other option would be to have the party on Sunday night or Monday afternoon and then I don’t really have to worry about it. BUT…before I make plans like that, I wanted to clear it with Garv, and find out how he felt about the whole thing. My only complaint about him is that I knew he would say, well if that’s what you want to do, we’ll do that, I don’t care. So I never know his opinion on much of anything. I mean, it would be his last night here, so I want to make sure that he gets to do whatever it is that he wants to do. And while I’m a party animal and really like big gatherings of people, I think he’s very different. He likes small groups and isn’t really comfortable around people he doesn’t know. After a little probing I got him to admit that for his last night he’d rather it just be the two of us which I completely agree with. It’s just really important to me that he starts telling me how he feels and what he’s thinking so that I can get to know him better and quit the guesswork. I’m training to become a psychologist, not a psychic.

It's been a long, long time comin', yes it has
But I, I know that it's been worth the wait
It feels like springtime in winter
It feels like Christmas in June
It feels like heaven has opened up it's gates for me and you


Every time I close my eyes
I thank the Lord that I've got you
And you've got me too
And every time I think of it
I pinch myself cuz I don't believe it's true
That someone like you loves me too

I think that you're truly somethin', yes you are
And you're, you're every bit of a dream come true, yes you are
With you baby, it never rains
And it's no wonder
The sun always shines when I'm near you
It's just blessing that I have found somebody like you
Ooh Oh

To think of all the nights I've cried myself to sleep
You really oughta know how much you mean to me
It's only right, it's only right
(In my life) that you be in my life right here with me
Oh baby, baby, yeah

Yes, I said it, I think he's perfect. He's always said that as far as looks go he's really picky, but once he falls for a girl he can tolerate a lot as far as personality goes. At first, to me, that seemed so shallow...basically a guy saying, if I'm with a hot girl I don't care if she's a bitch. Well last night I probed a little more into what his perfect body would be and he said "Sarah," now...I thought he was just saying my name as if to say he wasn't going to answer me. He, on the other hand was saying that his perfect body was me. With 99.9% of men I would say they were just feeding me some shit, but he's different. I'm sure every girl says that about the guy they're with, but he's so sincere. Anyway, onto what the best part was.

When we were talking about girls' personalities he said that mine was "a cut above." We then started talking about how I like to spoil him. I always want to just take care of my men, and with him, that entailed waking up at 8am to make him breakfast so that he could go back to sleep. Then of course, he starting talking about how he knows that women are liberated these days and no one wants to do that, but he also said that we would have a conflict because he wants to spoil me too. I told him that I wanted my husband to come home from work to a clean house and a hot meal so that he can spend some quality time with myself and the kids, and just relax. But this perfect man told me that he wants to do the same thing for his wife at least half the time so that she can be surprised and come home to a clean house and hot meal. I would say that 99.9% of men just eat up a woman taking care of them and never think twice about reciprocating. But then again, I'm not with just any man. It would probably be tough for me to let go and let a man do that, but he's so sincere and sweet about wanting to do it, I probably wouldn't sweat it.

Another great thing about today...I finally got his ticket to come here from the 2nd to the 5th of September, and I can't wait to see him. It's going to be really hard because he's just going to leave me again...but I'll live for the moment and have the time of my life with him.

My talk with him tonight was different. It was the 3rd time I had talked to him today. When I called the 2nd time he said, "you're calling me again?" I thought that might be a bad thing so I said, "well am I bothering you, do you not want me to call?" And in his sweetest most inviting voice, he said, "you can call whenever you want to talk to me..." That's what it's about. At this point, I could probably talk to him, no scratch that, I would choose to be with him all the time...talking to him is merely a substitute because he's not here. So back to the conversation...we were talking about his career goals, and he told me about how he wants to get his PhD. I, of course, want to get my doctorate too...so I said, well then you'll be Dr. Prescod, and I'll be Dr. Pillmore. He then corrected me and said, no, then I'll be Dr. Prescod and maybe you'll be Dr. Pillmore-Prescod. Now this is important for a few reasons. Number One of course, we all know...he obviously has thought about maybe marrying me. That is enough for me at this point, and so the next important part is of course minimal, but to me equally important. He didn't say, i'll be Dr. Prescod, and you'll be Dr. Prescod...no, he left me with my identity in tact and said you'll be Dr. Pillmore-Prescod. I've always thought about keeping my last name. I'm proud of my family, especially proud of my father, and some part of me just doesn't want to let that go, maybe that will change once I'm married and have children, but some part of me wants to keep that. I've never told him that, but part of me thinks that he just knew...he just has an intuition about me...

Another amazing thing about him...I've always said that if I met someone that I wanted to be with more than who I'm with at the time I would be nice enough to just tell them before I did something, before I cheated on them. But most people have this deal where they would rather just ignore the person they were with and just move on. Or cheat and then try to hide it. I've downplayed how upset I would be if he cheated on me...I don't know why I do that because of course if he did I would be totally devastated. But given that I've been with a cheater before who has promised that the girls he cheated on me with were meaningless, maybe I just want to believe that someone can love me even if they're cheating on me...which I know isn't true and it's not something I would ever accept again. But I want him to feel like he can be completely honest with me so I'm using my best psychological skills to get honesty from him. However, he told me tonight, "you know me, I think too much, if I met someone and was going to do something with them, I would tell you before I ever did." I think somehow we are just on the same wave length. I don't know how that's happened...but it feels so good...

I don't think I've ever been in love. Maybe I've thought that I was before, but I don't think I ever truly was in love. Did I love Frank? No, I was stupid and young, I didn't know what love was, I definitely didn't love him, and I don't think he loved me. Zack was more or less a rebound from Frank, and I lost my identity in him so I definitely didn't love him. So no, I've never been in love. I told him tonight that I thought maybe the first man I fell in love with I would marry. Then I would be able to tell my husband he was the first and last man i ever loved. Maybe my expectations of love are too high. Maybe I'm looking for a perfect relationship instead...but then again my parents said I could do anything i put my mind to, and I'm not going to give up until I find that. I don't think I would let myself fall in love with him...I just don't know when we'll be able to be together so I don't think my mind would ever let me fall...but maybe one day. I told him that he has the challenge of making me fall in love with him. He said he likes challenges...

Got a date a week from Friday with a preacher's son
Everybody says he's crazy
I'll have to wait and see

I finally moved to Jackson when the summer came
I won't have to pay that boy to rake my leaves

I'm probably going on and on
It seems I'm doing more of that these days

[CHORUS 1:]
I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it
Oh You left so fast
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch
Sometimes I feel like I'm so lucky to have had the chance to
love this much
God gave me a moment's grace
'Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way

Mama says that I just shouldn't speak to you
Susan says that I should just move on

You oughta see the way these people look at me
When they see me 'round here talking to this stone

Everybody thinks I've lost my mind
But I just take it day by day

[CHORUS 2:]
I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it
Oh You left so fast
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes I feel an angel's touch
Sometimes I feel like I'm so lucky to have had the chance to
love this much
God gave me a moment's grace
'Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way

Probably wouldn't be this way

Got A Date a week from Friday with a preacher's son
Everybody says I'm crazy
I'll have to wait and see

I started writing this stuff down because I never want to forget these feelings. Do I love him? I don’t know…that’s a good question. I doubt my feelings because I have been hurt before. I wonder if love means monogamy, does love mean forever? What does it even mean? All I know is that I feel different when I’m with him. I don’t want to let him go, I don’t want him to leave. I want him to stay by my side. I want to think about the future with him, but then I don’t because I want to live for right now. I want to cherish every moment. Listen to him say, “you’re beautiful” a hundred times. Fall asleep in his arms and wake him in the morning with breakfast. I want to be better because I’m with him. I am happier because I’m with him and I miss him with every bone in my body when he’s gone. He says he thinks too much, thinks about me too much, but somehow that comforts me, knowing that when I think about him, maybe, just maybe he’s thinking about me. I haven’t let myself go with my feelings in a long time, but somehow this just feels right. It’s not convenient, it’s not easy, but I like the challenge. I like the challenge of loving him because he feels right. I guess while he was here I didn’t want to see it because it would harder when he left, but I remember a friend saying to me as I walked up the stairs to help pack his things, “you’re in love.” I shook that comment off, but then said, “what about him, is this a one way street?” And my friend said, “when it’s like this, it’s never a one way street.” Do I love him, I can’t answer that now, maybe I’ll be able to when I’m in his arms again…but I feel like I can fly. I feel like I’m loved. I know how he makes me happy and I feel so blessed to have that. Yes, I’m trouble, trouble because I want you with every part of me.

Well folks, Graduate School starts really soon! May 17th to be exact and I'm NOT READY!!! I need a new outfit, a new bag, new haircut...just kidding...I'm just not ready to take this stuff seriously quite yet. And given that I'm going to be on vacation right before school starts and have Michael and Celia here from the 21st to the 28th doesn't help much. But what the hell, I'll get through it, I always have before.

I have noticed something really amazing lately...I am just so happy. I can't put my finger on exactly why, but I think it's just because finally I feel like I know exactly where I'm going. At times I fall into moods where I doubt myself, but when I really look at my life, I know I'm headed in the right direction. I got into the only school I wanted to go to, and I'll be studying to enter the career I dream about. Not only that, but once I'm in that career, I'll be helping people. I don't think there's a better feeling than that. But all of that is the future...in the present I have an amazing family that supports me, friends that believe in me who I can have so much fun with, a job that is challenging, fulfilling, and fits into whatever amount of time I can devote to it, and a beautiful place to live...this totally reminds me of that song "Blessed"

"I have been blessed
And I feel like I’ve found my way
I thank God for all I’ve been given
At the end of every day
I have been blessed
With so much more than I deserve
To be here with the ones
That love me
To love them so much it hurts
I have been blessed"

It is so true, and so important to remember these good times, because when the hard times come, you can look back and know what you have to look forward to!! I love you guys, thanks for always being there, good and bad!!

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?

So ya'll have been complaining that you can't see any entries...

Well that's because they're all listed as private, i'm sorry, but having my entire life being public isn't the greatest thing, and I've wanted some things to be private, so I'll make it a bit more cryptic, and do some general entries!!

Kiff and I went out tonight, we had a blast, it was SO funny to hang out with him again, he just got back from L.A. Any of you who don't know Kiff, he's a movie producer, blah blah blah, anyway, he told me to close my eyes, and when I opened them there was this diamond ring on my middle finger, I thought it was really ugly, and he goes to tell me that it's an antique diamond ring worth like $20,000. haha...go figure, I tell him it's hideous!

Anyway, I have a funny story for the weekend, but no time to write about it! Hope ya'll are doing well, and for all my friends with exams, good luck!

I don't get life...

I was with Zack forever, and I'd reckon to say that relationship was pretty complete emotionally and what not. It was just at the end where I kinda started shutting down and realizing that I probably wouldn't be happy if I married him. So we break up and I start seeing other people. I guess I wasn't really looking for a serious relationship, but I wasn't completely opposed to it. Then I meet Steve, and I follow all the "rules"...yet things just didn't progress into what I wanted. I guess I figured out after that I just needed a break from relationships in general...I didn't think I was emotionally ready to be involved with someone...

So I met someone who I was sure couldn't become emotionally involved. I guess because of that I felt safe opening up a bit...well, big mistake. Somehow he opened up and I couldn't deny something was there...now I'm confused because I haven't talked to anyone like I talked to him...I haven't opened up at all...I haven't wanted to, and somehow this happened without me even trying or looking for anything more.

I think the best thing at this point is to just deny how I feel and try to keep going with life around here. Yea, that's what I'll do...

I've been dealing with fear lately, and it's not an easy thing to cope with. Mostly my fear of rejection. Possibly being rejected from people, but mostly it's been manifested in my fear of being rejected from graduate school. I became very selective in where I wanted to go to graduate school and eventually decided that I only really wanted to go to LaSalle, and I'm not sure what exactly I'll do if I don't get in. But I'm sure God has a plan. He's always had a plan before, and I have to trust that I'm going in the right direction. This is the least selfish thing I've ever done, and somehow it feels right even though it makes me so vulnerable.

Yet as I look at my life, I see what an amazing support system I've been given. There are people that have stuck with me through it all. People I could call at any time who would lend an ear. People who haven't just been there for a month or two. All people who have been there for years. I can start with my parents and work from there. My parents are such a gift. I don't think it's normal to have parents like mine although I do take them for granted. They've picked me up when I was at my lowest point, and been there to celebrate with me when I'm at my highest point.

I guess from there it would go to my Granny, she's gone now, but I have to believe that somehow she's looking down on me...and as the tears fall from my face, I just think about all the things I would have to tell her. Or maybe there would be nothing to tell her. Maybe she would just tell me silly jokes and we would go to the mall. Or maybe it's just like that song, One More Day, where if they gave me one more day it could never satisfy me because all I would want is another. She loved me more than anything, and it's so hard to think that's gone. I wish she was going to be there to see me graduate, but I remember saying at her funeral that she'll be looking down on me from heaven watching everything I do from the best seat in the house. I guess I better go to graduation after all. I just miss everything that she represented to me. I feel like when she died part of me fell apart. Maybe I never really felt loved by anyone but her, I never believed that anyone loved me but her. Not that I feel that way, but at the time, it was hard to believe that my parents had my best interests in mind moving around the country and the world changing what I knew of life every time I got comfortable. I just don't understand why God would take my Gran...I needed her then, and I need her now. Our whole family needs her...

Then there are of course my friends...it could start with Megumi, who I talked to tonight. We can not talk for years and pick up right where we left off. I can't wait to see her again. We have such fond memories together of our childhood, and she's really the only one who I have from my childhood to remember things like that with, so that a really important friendship. It's great to have her in the states right now and for the next couple of years.

Then there's Natalie, Brent and the rest of the high school friends. They're invaluable. They made me feel accepted in a place where I wasn't really comfortable in my own skin. I realized in high school and junior high that it was okay to be smart, and it took other smart people to help me figure that out. Thank GOD I grew out of that dumb blonde stage!! Natalie is another friend I don't have to talk to all the time to be close with. She's so understanding and fun to hang out with that we just click. Brent is always there for a crisis or just as a person to bounce ideas off of. I don't know how many times we've called eachother with an emergency or just had a casual conversation. When his name comes up on my phone I guess I don't know which one to expect anymore! But I look forward to it none the less.

Then of course from that same time period there's Frank...I don't know what to say because my relationship has changed so much over time. From boyfriend, to lost love, to just friend, I've seen the evolution of our relationship reflect my maturity as a woman. When we broke up, my heart hurt so much I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. From my grandmother's death, to my health issues, to losing him, I was grabbing at straws. But eventually I emerged from that seemingly hopeless hole a stronger, tougher fighter, with a better idea of who I really was. I have Frank to thank for that. He challenged me to be someone better than who I was when I met him and that process didn't stop when we broke up. I hope that process never stops. Frank encouraged me to go away to school, 4 hours away from him, and I excelled. He came to visit, but never too often, and always made a point to be extra nice to my friends. Everyone liked Frank. I realized how important that was to me. And he brought me flowers all the time, even after we had been together forever...I realized how important that was to me too. So now Frank and I talk every so often, and it's good to talk to someone who knows me well and really cares about me a lot. I'm lucky to have him in my life.

On to Syracuse...I guess the most long lasting relationships from my year there would be Major Dotson and John Coppola. I still talk to some of the girls there, as well as Andy and Charlie, but I really don't know much about what's really going on in their lives. John has always kept in touch via email and phone calls every once in a while, and he is just the sweetest guy. I'm sure my dad would love to see me marry a guy like that, and I really think it just might happen. Girls just break his heart too. But he's wonderful and if it doesn't, I wish him all the best. He's always been there for me to talk to as well...I'm definitely going to have to take a trip before Natalie graduates to visit John and Natalie in Nashville. Major Dotson is the reason why I met John, and while he's in Arizona now, I've been lucky to keep in touch with him. The conversation is always light, but he's just really supportive of who I am and whatever it is I'm up to. It's always nice to have people like that in your life.

I don't have time to finish writing this, but I really need to...

I never got around to telling ya'll about my neighbor Kimberly. Well Kimberly has been like a second mother to me. She lives across the street from my parents, and is just the nicest sweetest lady in the world. Kimberly is married to George, an asian accountant. It's so funny because Mari and Nate will be running around outside, and George will be cutting his lawn, and you could swear they were his kids! Nate especially looks so much like George. Well Kimberly got married at 32, and found out by 40 that she couldn't have kids. She didn't want to go through invetro and all that other crap, so she just accepted that maybe she wasn't meant to have children. Well let me tell you what...as she gets older, she gets scared about being alone. When either her or George die, they don't really have anyone else. None of her sisters have children, and both are divorced, so it's hard for her to imagine life as an older person only being surrounded by old people. I always tell Kimberly she has us kids from across the street, but it has made me realize it's just not the same.

So I have decided that I really do want kids, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to wait until I'm 30 or 35 to have them. And even though you can't forget that you get whatever sex pops out, I'd love to have 3 boys. Fletcher, Trey and Landon. haha, I'm getting a little ahead of myself! But I'm terrified that if I have a girl she'll come back and give me twice as much the trouble that I gave my parents as revenge, and I'm not that brave!!!

Anyway, hope everyone has a great weekend, I've been having some weird dreams lately and it's going to be a tough weekend without the little kids around. So a great weekend of partying is among us. I'm probably heading to Brownie's on Friday and possibly to visit my friend Gregg in New York on Saturday, or I'll be at Eulogy downtown if I don't brave the trip...so if you wanna catch up, you had better run!

So yea, I think I'm going to Brownie's tonight with my girlfriend Colleen! Come on out and paaarrrrttttyyy!

I had a great weekend! Quite eventful too! The following is what I had to recount for the hearing that is going to happen prosecuting these insane parents and coaches from a team Nathan's basketball team played on Saturday...remember, there are 7 and 8 year old kids!!

During the game that took place March 14, 2004, my brother Justin and I, were asked to run the scoreboard and time clock by the coach from the opposing team, most likely because we had run the scoreboard and time clock the last game we played this team and at four or five other games. During the first half we cheered on our team and were seated directly behind the parents from both teams. At halftime, one of the coaches came up to my brother and said, “Fix the score, Einstein.” Apparently, the coaches from the other team believed that they had 2 more points. We knew we had not missed any of the points, moreover, we had not heard anything from the parents surrounding us, and left the score as it stood.
At the end of the game, everyone began to file out of the gym into the hallway, and as my brother was congratulating the kids and getting ready to leave, the taller coach acting as the referee during the game said, “I hope you’re proud of yourself shithead,” and then proceeded to push Justin underneath his chin. Justin said back to the coach, “Do you want to take this outside?” and the coach stated, “Not in front of my wife.”
My father stepped in at this point and broke up the tiff going on in the hallway, and Mr. Flanigan began to escort Justin through the gym to leave Doyle. I was standing at the corner of the hallway and the gym, and as Justin walked past, a bearded man (Mr. Corr) began to follow after Justin. I stared this man straight in the eye and as he attempted to pursue my brother I stepped sideways in his path. (I never once made physical contact with this man) After I stepped in this man’s path, he grabbed my face and pushed me to the side and began to go after Justin. I turned around and told Justin the man was coming, as another woman said to Justin,”That man just grabbed your sister.” Justin asked me if the guy had grabbed me and I told him he had.
Justin confronted the man at center court, and said, “Are you kidding me, did you just touch my sister?” and the man then pushed Justin. At that point, Justin took a swing at the man, and then wrestled him to the ground. Mr. Flanigan was trying to hold Justin back, but once they were wrestled to the ground it took 3 grown men as well as my father to break up the fight, and pull Mr. Corr away from Justin.

SO...great weekend, eh? The other parts not included in that little description are the 3 kids on our team that got pushed into the wall and the floor, the 2 kids that got hurt pretty badly, and the tiff my dad got into with the other coach. One of the kids on Nate's team (Red) was dribbling down the court to their basket and immediately after he crossed the line at center court, a kid from the opposing team (blue) pushed the kid out of bounds and into the wall. My dad, who was standing right there says, "Red Ball," and the other coach turns to him and says, "What do you mean? It's a blue ball, out on red." So my dad turns to the guy and says, "Your kid almost took my guy's head off, it's Red's ball." The other coach at that point gave in...

What I find so ridiculous is the pure cruel intent these 7 and 8 year olds had on the basketball court. A member of Nathan's team has NEVER intentionally pushed another kid, or tried to hurt another kid. I've been at just about half the games, and I never saw anything like the nonsense I saw Saturday afternoon. I don't believe the nature of children is violent and bad, I think those coaches specifically told the kids to do what they were doing on Saturday, and I think that's terrible.

Let me know what you think...

I've been thinking about my grandmother lately. It's been 3 years since she died...and if any of you remember, I found out she was sick in December about 3 weeks before I went to Syracuse, and she died February 28th during my 1st semester. I guess I could have left school, broken down, given up, but I felt some sort of duty to do well, and I finished that semester taking 19 credits, with straight A's. All of that keeping me busy put the thoughts of my grandmother out of my mind. I was lucky, for some reason, although we didn't know she only had 3 months from when we found out she was sick, I sat down in early February and wrote a letter that explained exactly what my grandmother meant to me. How she had given me a home when my parents were moving every 2 years. How her house was the only constant in my life for about 10 years, and how she was my best friend. I can't imagine how I would feel if I hadn't written that letter, she carried the letter everywhere with her until she died, and when she died, my mom gave me back the letter with the tear marks from my grandmother.

What starting me thinking about this was in part the anniversary of her death, but more so the role of different people in life. I dated a guy all through high school named Frank. He believed in me to the point I felt I could walk on water. He was my best friend, my confidant and my love. When my grandmother died, it was the beginning of his Spring Break. He drove 4 hours to his home in Westchester County New York, another 6 hours to Syracuse, and then drove me 9 hours to Pittsburgh because I was too upset to get on a plane. Frank gave me the courage to give my grandmother's eulogy and sing at the funeral...I didn't make it to the wake, that was a bit much to take (I don't really understand the point of all that anyway), but Frank stayed at the house with me and kept me busy.

I believe that although my relationship with Frank romantically didn't work out, he was placed in my life to get me through that terrible time. Without him, I probably would have fallen flat on my face, dropped out of school and tried to figure out what life was all about. But Frank stuck by me even when I wanted him to leave me alone, and showed me that death was a part of life and that all we have are the short number of years ahead.

The rest of the story is that Frank now lives in Albuquerque, New Mexico, where my little brother Justin goes to school, and after 2 years I saw him in October. There was no physical or romantic connection on my end, and all I really wanted to do when I saw him was collapse into his arms, tell him everything that was happening in my life...but Frank still had the physical and romantic connection alive in his mind, so that had to stay where it was. But I thank God for the presence of Frank in my life, and I now know what an difference someone being there at the right time can make.

My grandfather has since gotten remarried to a gold digging bitch (can you tell I don't like her?) and on Friday had a heart attack. The woman didn't even call my mom until Saturday night. Fairly ridiculous if you ask me, but my grandfather has totally changed since he remarried, and although I don't speak to him and don't really care about him, I worry that my younger siblings who never really knew their grandmother aren't going to know their grandfather either. My dad's parents live in Arizona, so Mari and Nate don't get to see them much...I guess it would serve that stupid bitch well, what she doesn't know is that my grandfather is worth more alive than dead to her anyway...I'm telling you, karma gets ya in the end! So don't look for any updates on my grandfather's condition here...I'm sure I won't be getting many...

I'm tired, overworked, and attempting to procrastinate all at the same time. I'm up early which should be a good thing, but I don't feel like touching a bit of my work. I don't even feel like mailing my tax stuff off to the lady who's going to do my taxes! Could I be any more lazy??? I really wish I worked at my little bookkeeping job in the morning. That would at least get me up and doing something I haven't chosen to do, and I could then in the afternoon get to all the things I need to do.

This whole graduating and getting a real job is kinda getting to me. I mean, at 20, how do I know what path my life is going to take? How do I know what career to choose. The best I know, I should go work for Deloitte for two years or so, take my CPA exam and get on with my life. Those two years I believe will be invaluable to really getting a chance to decide what I want to do. Of course we all want to make a lot of money, and I'm sure that's secondary, all in due time. Really, if you work hard anywhere, have the right education, and choose to work in the right business with a structure for promotion, you'll do just fine. Starting out I think the money I'll be making is just fine.

Other than that, nothing exciting is going on. Everyone keeps asking what I want to do for my birthday...on the actual day of my birthday I'll be at the Britney concert here in Philly, but that weekend I'm assuming is going to be a mess of partying, so ya'll let me know who's coming. Send me an email, or an IM, and let me know what you're up for.

Have a great week...

So Sex and the City is over, and I guess I'm sad, but to be real honest, I haven't watched every single show...I'm not quite that dedicated. But it is definitely a great show. I'd have to say, "Curb Your Enthusiasm" with Larry David gets me laughing plenty, and that will be my Sunday night fix from now on.

I talked to Zack today. I just don't get it. When he's here, he's as lazy and unmotivated as can be, but the second he leaves, there's a fire under his ass to prove something to me. Then he asks, why do you kick me out? Well to be real honest, it actually has a positive effect. I dunno what to think.

So morals from Sex and the City...well if life works like that, one day I'll be in Paris, and Frank will show up to sweep me off my feet...unfortunately, I think Frank and I have a little more baggage than Carrie and Big...or shall I say "John."

"May your heart always play a song of joy, and when there are tears, may they nourish the seeds of your dreams so that they grow into reality." (Author Unknown)

Sometimes the things that are the hardest are the most fruitful, and hopefully as I enter a new stage in my life, I'm making the right decisions!

Alright, I've kissed all the frogs...now where's my prince?

Well last night I had a really weird dream. I have this friend that will go nameless, who I'm worried about. He went through a tough time in December, and now I guess you could say the general consensus is that he's an alcoholic. To be real honest, I haven't been around him enough to even know, but from what I've heard, it's a bad situation and it is probably spinning out of control. So, needless to say, he was in my dream yesterday.
So the other person in my dream was a friend from Doylestown that I had a falling out with in junior high and didn't really talk to until I was in college again, who is involved with this girl where it's on again, off again. And he always has these terrible away messages that are SO depressing. So last night I had a dream about being in class with both of them...obviously some subconscious part of my mind is worried about them both...but what confuses me is why would my mind put both of those people in the same room if they've never met.
Another friend from my past who I will name, Nick, told me something that has eased me a bit, he told me that you can't help somebody until they want you to. I can't go and babysit my alcoholic friend every day, I can't tie my other friend to a chair so he doesn't talk to that girl. And I just have to accept that.

Whatever happened to the Smashing Pumpkins? Not like I ever listened to them anyway. I just have vivid recollections of that video. Well today was fairly uneventful. I went to meet with the people whose books I'm going to be doing part time until my job with Deloitte starts.

For any of you not from Philly, there have been all these shootings going on here, not where I live of course, but still, it's all over the news, and although I never watched the news before, being home during the day has changed that. I think its so sad that people shoot eachother, I guess since I never grew up around guns and in the city, I don't understand. I don't think the answer is to take away people's guns, because there are so many people who use their guns responsibly, but something has to be done to take away all the guns in the hands of people who are using them wrong. Too many innocent victims if you ask me.

Another annoying issue...last night I told a friend that I wasn't interested in being anything but his friend. Well that changed his plans for coming to visit this weekend and then he had the nerve to ask if we could "fool around." Word to wise men, if a girl isn't interested in being anything but your friend, that means she doesn't want to touch you as anything more than a friend, and even further, if you ask a stupid question, she'll probably become more irritated with you.

I have this feeling that I'm not going to meet anybody until the summer at least. I think I need a new start, a new group of people around me before I can really find a good match. I'm stuck in this rut with "toxic" people around me, and that's never good. So I figure I'm going to get a facial once a week, go tanning, go out with my girlfriends, and just be me for a little while. To be real honest, I'm not even interesed in a single guy I can think of right now. For the longest time I always had left over feelings for Frank, but going to New Mexico in October totally changed that. I miss Zack's friendship and companionship, but that's about it, and there's just nobody I even think twice about as more than a friend. I'm sure that won't last for long, but I've got to get out there with new groups to really meet people.

I'm missing my high school friends a lot lately. I miss Brent the most, I just could always stop by and see him or call and have someone to go out with whenever I wanted. In college, its so different, everyone wants to booze or go to a bar, and that's just not me. I hate being a loser like that, but when I want to be with my friends, I want to just chill and talk and whatever, not get trashed. I used to have that stuff at my old job, but now its a bit different not working and being alone a lot.

Well I'm boring myself now, time to go do some religion homework and study for fun accounting exams!! Woo hoo, at least the anxiety about jobs and stuff is gone...and I can just look towards what's ahead!